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whaaa... and what a journey it has been to arrive at this conclusion.. authenticity.

Honestly.. feel like I've been put through a washing machine and wring dried. But here I am.. finally.

The sad truth of arts is that it goes no where without commerce in this world. Well when I say no where.. I mean audience reach. In the day of social media and marketing and algorithms and grant funds which require you to tick boxes or know how to write those bloody applications and this and that.. we literally have box package chip chizzle, at times slaughter!! our authentic expression to try to get access to this "reach" this connection with the external world.. and in the process.. lose the connection we have within ourselves which was the thing that drew us to the art in the first place....

After running around for the past couple of years trying to be at the right place in front of the right people, show casing, putting out things which "fit the bill" filling out those god damn grant applications.. smiling at the right people and doing those elevator pitches..working.. reworking and reworking and trying again... the only thing I can say is my take away are a few genuine folk who wanted to create art.. and nope the funding still seems to be some mirage.. and honestly the whole experience left me feeling empty and disillusioned. I didn't see the point.

I mean why should I try to fit my art into a box? It is what it is... my expression is what it is.. Its my god given right to express myself the way I choose in the medium I choose.. why do I need to cater externally.. constantly.. and so what if it doesn't get featured in news papers or funding bodies just don't recognise it because I don't hav the right connect or the right wording? (dude if I was good at writing grant applications I'd be doing that for a living! not try to get funding as a theatre producer or film maker!!)

these have been my recent thoughts..

and you know what its actually ok.. all these above external gratifications don't actually mean that much.. it's soul-less... to me.. its about am I being honest with my expression.. am I satisfying my soul's calling.. and if my expression miraculously resonates with the algorithms or funding bodies then cool.. I may get to share it with a few more people out there.. but if not.. hey.. I choose not to live a lie and I don't want to create things which are not true to who I am.. and thats ok.. its ok to be different.. its ok to not fit into the trends.. its ok just to be yourself and express in your own unique way.

I am not a full time artist.. I haven't that luxury. I had to work during the day and sometimes nights and wknds to keep afloat. At times I've had to support others too.. but so far I've managed to create whatever I have with whatever I have and I hope that has added some beauty and some knowledge to this world. For others THIS IS their bread and butter so they have to cater to the outside to make money. ( I suppose I'm privileged to make this statement from that perspective)

I do appreciate the skill some people have to cater to the market.. but thats not me and thats not the purpose of my expression.. I want to keep it authentic to myself.. its my means of communication and my voice. It may not be heard far but if it makes sense within me and to some who come across it.. fantastic! :)

And so my journey as an artist continues.. this time inward.

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