Sringaram - a new chapter

Its been a while since I wrote but many a times I've nearly come and signed in to type some thing, only to be rushed away to fulfil another deadline.

This though.. I had to document. I feel it is a milestone on my journey of self acceptance.

Its a very ironic incident. I gave an interview on Indian Television recently where I spoke about Sringaram and my battle with the self image. I had mentioned within the interview how important it is to feel beautiful and accept ones flaws and be at peace so that a dancer can over flow with love with a quiet confidence as a foundation.

In my journey of achieving this, for at least 3-4 years I thought I had come to terms with the way I looked. It started off by me conjuring up the nerve to post photos of my face through selfies. It was great. I seemed to get many likes. I had grown accustomed to the image I saw on my iphone. Recently I put on weight and I refused to get in front of the camera again, only selfies would be ok because those phones make you look 10 kgs lighter. Then the work began again where I slowly managed to get back in front of the camera selfie-less. Finally ok I was at peace with what I looked maybe even happy. Then it wasn't long I had to do this TV interview where I talked about sringaram. The universe must've heard and sent me another test.

The make up in that interview did not suit me and neither did the lens that the camera used. I didn't like the way I looked at all and I passed such harsh judgements on myself. After all this work of self acceptance I stood there feeling shattered. Also now I no longer trusted any camera image. The selfie camera was a lie, it elongates ones face. The phone camera when faced normally, may or may not be telling the truth and the photographers camera.. well god knows how the lighting and angle plays a picture. The mirror shows a flipped image and even the people who look and compliment could be seeing you based on their perception of themselves, life, you..

so where on earth do I find out what I actually look like and then come to peace with it..

as silly as all this may sound. This was an internal battle of self acceptance. I was not happy with the vessel god had given me to dance with.. that makes all the difference because instead of focusing on the dance I would be conscious of the vessel. That couldn't possibly go on.. not any longer.

thats when it hit me.. here I was trying to find my sringaram through external validation.. None of the above should matter.. my sringaram should come from within... by just "being". As Shriraam Theiventhran my Shrinrithyam teacher said.. as with dance and life its about the process not the result.

and perhaps once I've accepted being. I can start doing "beautiful..."

I really had to ask what things I find beautiful.. so I could just do those.. this list would differ person to person.. but for me these are the beautiful things

• love

• kindness

• generosity

• loyalty

• discipline

• creativity

• respect

• admiration

• positivity

• non judgement

• contentment

Perhaps I will exercise these things once I have mastered being. But alas! once again i must be careful not to seek external validation or pass judgement.. such a fine balance.. and a state I aspire to be..

So I start a new chapter of sringaram.. here goes.

Picture Credit - Priyaa Praveen